so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i need an iv and a liver transplant
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
