Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
