toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
