Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
