I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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