I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
