he puts the penis in happiness.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize