dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
