it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize