I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
