I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My hand turned me down
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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