my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
