he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
worst night to have a conscience
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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