I think I died a long time ago.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
