just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
two words...techno handjob
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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