so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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