My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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