I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
