if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
