he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
