it wasn't lemon gatorade
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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