GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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