Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize