Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
