I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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