Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
