bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There's always time for handjobs
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
