John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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