so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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