I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
