I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When are your genitals available?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
