I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
