I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
