My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
