I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
