I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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