When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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