i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
