just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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