Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
