On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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