Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize