Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
