in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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