Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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