Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
