if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
