Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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