just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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