I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
