This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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