Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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