oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
