i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize