Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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