Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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