I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
