he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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