Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
