I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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