Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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