I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize