Soap is not a condiment
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
