I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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