I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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