oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
